In America, there is nothing more taboo than politely, even gently, suggesting that we might each have to reduce our meat — and in particular, beef — intake just a little bit in order to hold onto the temperate conditions which allowed our species and so many others to flourish.

However much we are constantly pulled back to our puritan, Christian fundamentalist ways, neither sex nor religion can top beef .

Beef is our sex. 

Beef is our religion. 

Like Sunday school, child TV stars, alcohol, casting couches, the NFL, and the Department of Defense, beef is inseparable from who we are, and we are collectively loathe (at best) to question the externalities of how it gets to our plate.

And it isn’t because in the year of our lord 2024 there aren’t options. There are plenty, and we’ll talk about them below. 

It’s because we love (love) to shame each other.

(is this not what you came for?)

We are social animals, and as a pack, we do not make it easy to leave beef behind.

Most people who’ve tried to eat vegan, or vegetarian, or just less meat, or even just less beef run back eventually. Like ditching alcohol and/or football (hi, I did those, too), there is a real social shock/stigma/whatever to turning down our national food, in private or in public.

And it isn’t because there isn’t a safe space — a million veggie cooks and creators of every stripe have strove these past years to build a million intersecting, proud, welcoming, inclusive plant-based communities that present a real opportunity to walk away from the (mostly Boomers) meat cult.

And I know something about cults!

Not only was I barely a religion major, I did Crossfit. I (occasionally still do) yoga. Thirteen (13!) years ago, I trained for a year and then ran a marathon in those Vibram 5-toe shoes and, much to my wife’s disdain, I’m still talking about bringing them back. I’ve been fully vegan. I was the last person on earth to switch from buying MP3’s to streaming because I wanted to “own my music collection”. As much respect as I have for Edgar Martinez, I think the DH is criminal. 

I am a ticking time bomb of “most obnoxious guy to talk to”. Pick your poison.

But here’s the thing: 

It is impossible, now, knowing everything we know about our health, about animals, and about the planet — this one habitable planet — to celebrate and continue to indulge in beef the way that we do. 

But while we are die-hard idealists who will celebrate progress and absolutely punish bad guys, we also very transparently, and hopefully, pragmatically, operate from a “what’s actually possible” and “meet people/companies/governments where they are” basis. 

I will, in fact, gleefully shame real-life bad guys, but I refuse to gatekeep or shame well-intentioned people who are maybe willing to consider a Beyond Burger, just this once, slathered with forever-caramelized onions.

We will never (never) settle for “good enough” or incrementalism, but we will sure-as-shit take what we can most realistically get and then keep pushing and pushing and pushing for more and better until it’s probably a little bit overboard.

Quitting beef overnight, as a single human or family or as a country, knowing the (real, stupid) social consequences, isn’t super easy. Shaming you about your choices isn’t going to get us anywhere. 

Showing you a whole new world of delicious plants, just on the other side of fear? I can do that. Because like anything, the more we talk about it, the more it’s a thing.

So. Let’s talk about how to eat less beef. 

But first — why?

Like I mentioned in the intro to this series, for all the focus on power plants and cars, food emissions are a real thing. Look at this:

Because of agricultural exceptionalism, almost half of the continental US is used for meat production, from actual grazing to alllllll of the mono crops we grow to feed future burgers, bacon, and wings and of course, the bacon egg and cheese. This percentage holds true across the (only) habitable planet for agriculture in general, led by dairy and meat.

Sure, you ask, but we have a lot of people to feed? Question mark?

Sure, but meat diets require a shit-ton more land than plant-based diets, and land — as you may have noticed from real estate costs — is a zero sum game, I reply?

So we can’t plant beans on or rewild land currently occupied by cows, much less corn and soy, I reiterate?

It wasn’t always this way, of course. The bulk of warming, driven in large part by animal agriculture, has happened in our my lifetimes.

And with a growing population, and all this agriculture, and it’s hotter, we’re using more and more fresh water, but devoting a greater percentage of it to the beef trade, including siphoning off half the goddamn Colorado River just for hay for cattle.

You hear about all of this much less than you should, because, again, cultural norms, but also — it’s pretty difficult to pierce cultural norms, however devastating, while message machines like the ones behind big beef (and dairy, and fossil fuels, and supplements, and alcohol, and tobacco…) continue to produce, unimpeded.

The point is: this system definitely isn’t sustainable.

Does even a small cut of beef provide for a hell of a lot of protein? Of course it does! Similarly, gasoline remains one of the most energy-dense options we have. Should we be thankful for those! Of course!

But also of course, measuring our tools in isolation is an option we no longer have.

We know too much.

The externalities of gasoline and beef are myriad, not-ideal, and without giving anything away, some of them rhyme with shmair pollution and shmheart disease, among others, like dementia ETC ETC.

Good news: there are lots and lots of fake meats that mostly taste close to the real thing and have lots of protein. Even better, all of the actual plant options that are measurably better for you. GOOD for you, even. 

AND — there are positive externalities! Like fiber! Fuck. None of us get enough fiber, and it’s what we should be talking about instead of protein. Ok, maybe not instead of protein, but definitely alongside it. 

Because unless you’re an Olympian, you’re almost certainly getting enough protein. And if not, you can get it just as easily from plants.

And you know what else you get at the same time? Besides not-heart disease?

Fiber! Back again. Wow. Who could have seen that coming?

More and more athletes know what’s up. You may have watched the recent Olympics, but you probably didn’t hear much about the athletes diets. Vegans are still rare-ish, vegetarians less so, but it’s happening. It’s happening.

Now, you might be saying, can’t I just eat chicken and/or fish? Sure. Many people have chosen that route, and a gazillion chickens have died for our sins.

On the whole we’re actually eating way less meat than we used to, but, yeah, way (way) more chicken, which still carries huge water and air (and astronomical industrial farming) issues. More on that next time!

In the meantime, just gonna leave this here, remember: our insane animal consumption is not only bad for forests and your arteries, it’s also a fundamental breeding ground for more pandemics, which — however inevitable, I have to be honest, I really don’t want to do again.

“I’m doing it for the animals” is the reason that bums meat-eaters you know out the most because when you tell them, “I don’t eat animals anymore because they are conscious and can feel pain and I mean holy shit have you seen those horror-show factory farm documentaries”, they become SUPER DUPER DEFENSIVE because they are, literally, currently, inhaling a smashburger that apparently used to have opinions and feelings.

I really do believe this is the one that drives most of the social stigma.

You know what’s delicious? Grilled octopus.

You know what makes it less delicious? Discovering octopii are basically the closest we’ll ever get to an extraterrestrial intelligent species, but we — with zero fucks given — throw them on some propane and serve it tapas style (have you been to our restaurant before? If not, let me explain how it works).

Meanwhile, truly, and again you really can’t un-see this stuff: factory farming is an unholy nightmare. I’m not going to spend forever on it, but just know that in 2022, humans slaughtered 300 million cows (we actually killed way, way more pigs and chickens, but we’re not there yet, so hold on).

Great, I’m convinced. How do I eat less meat?

Let’s start with a plan. There are a million options, but the most popular include:

The answer is: whatever gets your foot in the door. This is the beginner section.

I am going to pause right here and draw a line in the sand, though: the trendy thing to do is to tell a meat eater to choose “leaner” choices like chicken or fish or pigs.

That’s not the point in this “how to eat more plants” series, so we’re going to skip the “eat another animal” idea and go straight to easy ways to not eat them at all.

Not directly to “eat a single bowl of #sex legumes or one smoky, grilled vegetable that came out of the ground this morning” — this is the easy section — but no doubt, we’re going to leave flesh behind entirely.

So, like starting a new meditation, alcohol-free, or push-ups streak, lowering the bar for eating less beef, courtesy of some well-honed self-awareness and psychology, can go a very long way towards long-term success.

You can aspire to go meat-free for a whole week, or one day a week, or whatever — but that just means you’ve gotta stock some extremely easy options to make up for it. Because you’re you and I’m me and this is why I don’t keep snacks in the office (I do work above a candy store, but I actually don’t really crave candy. I crave chocolate chip cookies, and they don’t really sell them, thank christ).

Anyways! If burgers, meatballs, and steak are your fixes and you’re a beginner, what you want is a full-on imposter.

Ok so here are some fake burgers I’ve eaten that are all pretty delicious, but for the most part do not actually try to replicate the entire experience of eating a beef burger.

Is it in the shape of a burger? Sure.

Are the taste and textures different? Quite a bit.

Are these options generally healthier than the options above? For sure.

Most of these brands offer a variety of options. Try a bunch and see what you like.

I buy these interchangeably. My kids never (ever) stop eating, so, like pancake mix in the pantry, it helps to have a few boxes of these in the freezer at any given moment. On a weeknight, it doesn’t take long to crank out a bunch of them, throw on the table with some toasted buns and condiments, and get the hell out of the way*.

Here are full on substitutes for the idea of a burger or meatball (or even a steak).

Variations on these are going to be the most typical options when you’re eating out. Or if they’re lazy, they’ll just have a Beyond or Impossible option they reluctantly sub in for whatever their house burger is.

If they have one made out of real legumes or veggies, go for those and grab the fiber. You’re welcome.

But of course S-tier is making these babies at home, and truly, they can be so much better than boring-ass beef.

Ok, so — that’s it for now. I’ll edit and add to this post over time, but hopefully this can be a primer to get you on your way.

Drop your comments and favorite recipes in the comments!

— Quinn