Quinn Emmett

 Chief Evangelist, Humanity

Chief Evangelist, Humanity

Just for the record, Quinn founded Important, Not Important before Trump had even a goddamn glimmer of winning the Republican nomination. This was all the way back when the "noise" was more "too many kittens on Facebook" and less "too many state-sponsored communist Millennials buying elections on Facebook".

Quinn has worked for various respectable news publications, living in various major metropolitan areas ("bubbles") across three continents, but was born and raised in Williamsburg, Virginia, where he one day hopes to return, open a small croissant-focused bakery, and after his children abandon him for a father with substantial gold bullion who can more efficiently hunt CRISPR-adjusted large prey, live out the nuclear winter on a little patch of singed earth he can call his own.

 

Brian Colbert Kennedy

 Assistant to the regional manager

Assistant to the regional manager

Brian has worked in both hospitality and entertainment but his deepest passion lies in the future of humanity (or lack thereof) and writing bios in third person. Will robots take our jobs? Will the president lead us into a nuclear war? When Elon sends humans to Mars, can Brian go? Can he? Please??

When he’s not begging to be recklessly shot into outer space, Brian works in social media and research at Important, Not Important.

Brian is from Chicago, needs coffee to survive, and just loves pointing out to strangers when they’re wearing the same shoes.

 

Teddy

 President, shadow government

President, shadow government

Teddy, an otherwise unidentifiable mix of unicorn and virgin fleece, was born on the cold streets of Los Angeles. He was discovered in a cardboard box at four weeks old, surrounded by his dead brothers and sisters (RIP), but otherwise alone.

Credit for Teddy's adoption goes to Quinn's wife Dana who veered across six lanes of traffic upon seeing Teddy in a rescue shelter's window.

He is named after the greatest hitter of all-time, Ted Williams. Bringing a unique perspective to Important, Not Important, Teddy's concerns range from food waste to population growth.